


The easy silence (that you make for me)

by justhockey



Series: Quiet the mind and the soul will speak [2]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: (Very mild), (but no actual shooting), (not a main character), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Buckley-Diaz family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Mild Gore, brief mention of drug use, gun use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 10:08:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23469688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justhockey/pseuds/justhockey
Summary: His hands are still shaking hours later, and every time he closes his eyes he’s staring down the barrel of the gun again.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: Quiet the mind and the soul will speak [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1688362
Comments: 33
Kudos: 826





	The easy silence (that you make for me)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from _Easy Silence_ by Dixie Chicks (I’d highly recommend listening if you haven’t heard it).
> 
> (This can be read alone, but it takes part somewhere between them getting together and the very end of the last part).

Buck has always been loud, bustling around with too much energy and too many things to say, but not enough people who want to listen. Which is exactly why he’s never told anyone why. Why he’s loud and brash, excitable, busy. 

The voice in Buck’s head sounds a lot like his father’s, telling him he’s too much of this or not enough of that. And you’d think after all those years apart from him Buck would have learned to quiet the voice, or at least ignore it, but Buck has never been very good at coping mechanisms. And the one time he tried therapy, well, you know. 

So the voice is hard to ignore, the niggling little thorn in his side that makes the wound bigger every single time he takes a breath. It tells him that he’s a burden to the fire family, that Maddie doesn’t need him, that Eddie doesn’t _want_ him, and it’s really fucking hard to get through the day when every thought is like that. 

So Buck is loud. He’s busy and annoying and can’t keep still (or quiet) because that’s the only time his thoughts _are_. If he doesn’t stop talking, or listening, or moving, then the thoughts don’t have a foothold and he gets some peace in his mind, even if just for a little while. 

But things have changed. Are changing. What with Eddie and Christopher, and his new role in their family. So it’s a worry, that eventually he’ll push them away with his incessant _Buck-ness._

They’re at Buck’s, just him and Eddie while Christopher is having a sleepover with Denny. Buck is in the kitchen cooking dinner for them while Eddie lounges on the couch with a book he’s not had the time to pick up in over a week. Except Buck is chatting away, about the call involving the goat from their last shift, about Maddie and Chim, the game last night (Eddie doesn’t even _watch_ football), literally anything and everything that pops into his mind. 

“Por el amor de Dios, can you shut the fuck _up_?” Eddie groans, and he’s laughing but it still stings, just a little. 

Buck freezes as he’s slicing the carrots, narrowly missing cutting off the top of his finger. And he tries to tell himself that Eddie isn’t mad, he laughed, it was a joke, everything is fine. But. His heart is kind of racing because what if this is it? What if it’s the last straw and Eddie can’t take him anymore?

Buck clears his throat. 

“Sorry, I’ll keep my mouth shut. You enjoy your book,” he says, trying to laugh to ease the tightness in his chest, but it comes out strained. 

Eddie picks up on it immediately. 

“Hey, mi amor, I’m just kidding,” Eddie says, closing his book as he sits up and places it on the coffee table. 

Buck flashes a grin at him, “I know.”

There’s a moment where it’s painfully, oppressively quiet, then Eddie stands up and walks into the kitchen. He leans over the counter to press a hand to Buck’s forearm, stilling the hand that’s holding the knife. 

“Do you, Buck?” Eddie asks, and his eyes are so piercing it’s like they’re looking right into Buck’s mind. 

Buck feels himself start to waver. But Buckley’s are tough and emotions are for the weak, so he clenches his jaw then smiles at Eddie again. 

“Of course,” he lies, “now go finish your chapter before dinner.”

He drives his point home with a quick kiss to Eddie’s cheek, then he continues to chop the vegetables and waits for Eddie to walk back to the couch before sucking in a deep, shaky breath. 

Everything is fine. 

***

They’ve had an eerily quiet shift with only two minor calls in the past six hours. Now, most work places would _enjoy_ that, but at a firehouse it usually means something big is coming (they’re not superstitious, _shut up_ ). So Buck is antsy, he needs something to do to keep himself distracted from everything, so he settles on cleaning, well, everything. 

Normally Bobby can’t get them to clean up after themselves without threats on their lives, Buck included, but he’s bored out of his mind and the thoughts are getting loud without anything to focus on. So he cleans. 

He cleans the kitchen first, then the lockers, then the gym area. Buck has his earphones in, music playing as loud as he can stand, as he scrubs every surface and vacuums the floors, swinging his hips in time with music.

Buck is just starting on cleaning their chill out area, one earphone hanging loose as he tells Hen, Chim and Eddie about some vacation his old high school buddy is taking. It’s not anything necessary or relevant to anyone, but the music wasn’t working well enough, what with the anxiety of a quiet shift looming over them all, so he’s chatting away when Hen finally loses it. 

“Buckley!” She snaps. “Could you stop being annoying for like, five minutes?”

Buck stills. It’s insane that just one sentence can make him feel like he’s eight year old Evan all over again, with too much nervous energy, a father with too little patience, and a mother with not enough bravery. 

He looks over to Hen. She’s tipping her head backwards to rest it on the back of the couch, her eyes are closed, and she’s rubbing gentle circles into her temples. 

Chim chuckles, but Eddie glances to Buck, looking almost worried.

Buck laughs. Hen is exhausted, what with Denny and their new foster daughter and crazy long shifts. It’s not her fault that she’s cranky, and she’s right anyway, really. Buck is being annoying. Everyone else is trying to relax and enjoy what very little downtime they’ve been granted, but Buck is buzzing around like a worker bee, disrupting where they’re sitting and talking their ears off while he’s at it. 

“Sorry Hen. Late night?” Buck asks, just trying to be considerate. 

She doesn’t even open her eyes when she says, “be quiet, Buck.”

So he does. He slots the loose earphone back into his ear but music just isn’t doing the job. He takes his phone out of his pocket and flicks through Spotify for a while before switching to a podcast about a serial killer, then he gets back to work, cleaning silently. 

Buck figures it’s just best to keep quiet for the rest of the shift. So he smiles and laughs when it’s expected of him, answers questions or speaks when he’s directly spoken to, but other than he keeps it to a minimum. 

He’s terrified of annoying them, his family. And he has been since he joined the firehouse really, but especially after Eddie joined, and even more so since the lawsuit. Because Buck had almost lost all of them once before. 

He was so desperate to get back to them, to get back to the only place he’s ever truly felt at home, that he nearly ruined every important relationship he’s ever had. Even Maddie was furious with him when she learned what he’d done. 

So although the tentative forgiveness he’d found in them after it all transpired was solid now, they were over it, Buck was still worried. He was convinced that one more slip up would push them over the edge and he’d be without them again. He couldn’t risk that. So if he needed to keep his mouth shut then he could do that. 

The alarm sounds out through the station about an hour later, and Buck is hyper-aware of the sense of comfort that floods through him. He knows it’s strange, to _want_ to head out on a dangerous call after a day of doing almost nothing, but Buck feels safer out there on the frontlines. He’s sure of himself when rushing into a blaze, more sure of himself then that at any other point in his life. It’s familiar. 

The shift ends a few hours later, and it was one of those exceedingly rare ones where nothing crazy happens and it’s mostly quiet throughout. The rest of the fire family leave with looks of relief on their faces, because Hen gets to go home to her wife and kids, Chim to Maddie, Bobby to his family, and Eddie to his wonderful Christopher. 

Buck has to go to an empty apartment that is so quiet it feels deafening. 

“Babe,” Eddie says, disrupting Buck’s train of thought. “You good?”

Buck smiles, because he can’t not when Eddie is curling a gentle hand around Buck’s elbow and stepping close into his space. 

“Yeah, yeah I’m good, just tired you know,” Buck says, not technically lying, but not being completely truthful either. 

“We barely did anything, you getting old on me?” Eddie teases.

“It’s all the sitting around, it wears me out,” Buck laughs, defending himself. 

“If you say so, grandpa,” Eddie jokes, swinging his hip in to bump against Buck’s. “Are you coming over tonight? You know Christopher always wants to see you.”

And Eddie doesn’t _look_ like it’s a chore to invite Buck around, but he had dinner with the Diaz boys last night so he doesn’t want to push his luck or muscle in where he doesn’t belong. 

“Not tonight,” Buck says, “I’m just gonna go home and sleep.”

Eddie looks worried, and he opens then closes his mouth, as if he was going to say something but then changed his mind. Instead, he steps in front of Buck and kisses him softly. 

“Ok,” he concedes, “drive safe, and make sure you eat something!”

Buck laughs and rolls his eyes, but really those small signs of affection from Eddie make his heart melt, make his head quiet for a moment or two. He needs them like he needs oxygen. Like he needs fire. 

***

Naturally, after a uniquely simple shift, it only makes sense that their next one is absolute chaos from the second they clock on. 

First a home intruder impaled himself on a spiked fence when trying to run from the very large dog that lived in the home he tried to break into. Then a teenage girl got her hair sucked into a vacuum cleaner. Next a guy tried to impress his date by cooking them a meal, except he had absolutely no idea how to cook so he set his kitchen on fire and burned all up his arms in the process. 

So it’s pretty hectic from the beginning, which always serves Buck well. But none of them are prepared for the fourth call of the day. 

They find themselves at a farm, and the sight before them almost makes Buck queasy. He feels Eddie pause behind him the second the incident comes into his view. 

“Fuck,” Eddie murmurs. 

A man is barely conscious while his wife cries hysterically, trying to explain to Bobby what happened, except there’s not much to explain. Because his arm is stuck in one of the logging machines that cuts tree trunks into pieces and he’s bleeding profusely. 

Hen and Chim approach first to check his vitals and administer pain relief to make it all slightly more manageable for the poor guy, then Buck and Eddie step forward to take a look at what they’re dealing with. 

It’s stuck in there good, and just pulling it out isn’t an option. 

“Hey Bobby, what if we-“

“Buck, buddy, now really isn’t the time,” Chim says as he presses his fingers to the man’s neck to check his pulse. 

“Yeah, but if we-“

“If you take this back piece off here, we might have a bit more room to work with,” Chim says, once again talking over Buck. 

It hurts, because Buck is pretty sure that his idea would get the guy’s arm out. But because he’s Buck and he’s always been the reckless one, none of them even pause to listen to his suggestion. 

He knows they don’t mean to be unkind, they would never intentionally hurt him, they just want what’s best for the patient. It’s not even really unfair to assume that Buck’s idea would be a bad one, or a dangerous one, because that’s kind of his whole thing, so he’s not mad or anything. 

It just aches somewhere deep in his chest, and he can hear his dad’s voice again, telling him he’s a useless, good for nothing, waste of space. 

“Buck, I need you,” Eddie calls out.

So he gets to work. 

They get him out and to the hospital alive, the rest is in the doctors hands and there’s nothing more any of them can do. Thankfully that brings them to the end of their shift. 

Buck is a good kind of exhausted, the kind that will allow him to fall straight to sleep the moment his head hits the pillow, which isn’t a luxury he gets very often. Except Eddie accosts him just as he’s leaving the firehouse, and he’s wearing that look that he’s had on for the past couple of days, a mixture of concern and confusion, and Buck hates it and loves it at the same time. 

“Come on,” Eddie says, “follow me back home?”

Buck starts to protest but Eddie isn’t having it. 

“Babe that was the shift from hell, we both need to hug Christopher right now,” Eddie suggests. 

And he’s not wrong, not in the slightest. When he arrives at Eddie’s house just a few minutes after Eddie himself, Christopher crashes into Buck’s legs and the laughter that peels from his chest is genuine. He bends down to lift Christopher up so he can hold him tightly to his chest. 

“Hey superman,” Buck greets him. 

“Hi Bucky,” Christopher replies, grinning in a way that makes Buck’s heart feel warm. 

“How’s your day been?”

“School was good, I got the highest score in the class on a math quiz,” Chris tells him proudly. 

“Of course you did buddy, you’re a little genius.”

They move over to the couch, where Christopher leans against Buck while he tells him about his day. As Chris is talking Buck glances around the room for Eddie, and finds him watching them both with a look so fond that it makes Buck’s chest squeeze delightfully. 

This is where he belongs, he just knows it. 

They play video games for a little while, and Buck absolutely _destroys_ Eddie in Mario Kart, which caused Christopher to cheer way too enthusiastically for Eddie’s liking. Then they order pizza for dinner, and curl up to watch a movie before Christopher’s bed time. 

They’re not even half way through _How To Train Your Dragon_ when Buck feels Christopher’s breathing even out from where he’s lying on Buck’s lap. He looks down and sees him fast asleep, and Buck can’t help but feel lucky that he gets to have this with Eddie and with Christopher.

When he tilts his head to look at Eddie, he has to laugh when he sees him half asleep too, his eyes hooded and unfocused on the movie in front of him. 

“I think it’s time for bed,” Buck suggests quietly. 

Eddie startles a little and glances over at Buck, covering his mouth to stifle a yawn. He nods in agreement and mumbles something that sounds like _good idea_ , so Buck stands up with Christopher in his arms, careful not to jostle him awake. 

“I’ll put him to bed,” Buck offers, and Eddie nods again, smiling softly. 

“Gracias cariño,” Eddie replies, looking at Buck and Christopher like they’re his whole world. 

It doesn’t take Buck long to get Christopher into bed. He’s already wearing his pyjamas so all he has to do is slide the covers back and then tuck Christopher in. He whispers goodnight and places a kiss on his forehead, then flicks on his night light and shuts the door, leaving him to a peaceful sleep. 

Buck has barely made it back down the stairs before Eddie is wrapping himself around him. Eddie winds his arms around Buck’s waist and rests his cheek on his shoulder so he can press a soft kiss to the underside of Buck’s jaw. Everything in Buck’s mind pauses for a few moments, it’s quiet and it’s peaceful, and he wants to live inside of it.

“I love you,” Eddie murmurs, his lips brushing over Buck’s pulse point. 

Buck breathes deeply as he returns the embrace, tightening his own arms around Eddie’s shoulders and clasping his hands together behind Eddie’s back. 

“I love you, too,” he promises, kissing the top of his head. 

“Are you staying tonight?” Eddie asks. 

And Buck wants to. God, he wants to crawl into bed with Eddie so much right now that his body physically aches with it. But he’d spent all evening with them, he’d already taken up so much of their time, and he didn’t want to steal anymore from them. 

So he shakes his head and pulls back slightly so he can look at Eddie when he answers. 

“Not tonight babe, I’m wiped,” Buck says, and it’s definitely not a lie, he _is_. 

Eddie frowns and Buck hates that look so much, so he closes the distance again to kiss him. And if he’s being honest, kissing Eddie is one of Buck’s favourite things to do, especially when it’s like this, so slow and soft that it’s almost lazy. It’s one of the moments he wants to bottle and wrap in bubble wrap to keep it safe. 

“I’m gonna head home,” he says eventually. 

“Ok,” Eddie gives in, “drive safe please.”

“I’ll text you when I’m home,” Buck promises, then kisses him one more time before grabbing his jacket and heading out the door.

When he left the station earlier that evening he was just about ready to pass out, but when Buck finally collapses into bed his body is exhausted and his mind is racing. He lies in the darkness, the heavy silence a petri dish for all of Buck’s familiar, negative thoughts. 

It’s hours before sleep finally takes him. 

***

Sometimes when a person calls 9-1-1, they’re panicking too much to fully explain the situation or what emergency service they need, so dispatch will just send them all along. There have been times when the 118 have arrived on the scene to a clear cut police matter, and left almost instantly. 

There are also times when dispatch send the wrong first responders to a crisis because the caller wasn’t clear. 

So when they get called to a coffee shop downtown with unclear details, they aren’t expecting to arrive at a hostage situation. 

There’s a gunman in the shop who’s demanding the barista hands over the contents of the cash register, according to a witness who’s standing outside when they arrive. Unfortunately, police hadn’t been called to the scene, and although Bobby immediately radios for them once the 118 arrive, Buck doesn’t think they have time to wait. 

He can see through the window that the gunman is becoming increasingly erratic, waving the gun around and pointing at people randomly, and they can all hear him yelling from where they’re standing outside. 

Buck doesn’t see another option. 

He starts walking towards the door. 

“Buck!” Bobby hisses, trying not to alert the gunman of anything that’s going on outside. 

Buck turns to look at his team and they all have looks of horror on their faces. 

“Don’t you dare go in that building, that’s an order,” Bobby warns. 

Buck knows that the people inside can’t wait for the police though, they might not have enough time. And he’d rather he go in there than any one of his team. Than Eddie. 

“Sorry captain,” Buck apologises, then tugs on the door handle and walks inside. 

The second the bell above the door jingles, the gunman spins around and points the gun directly at Buck’s head. 

He instantly stills, slowly raising his hands up, his palms spread wide and facing outwards in surrender. 

“I said no fucking cops,” the guy all but screams. 

“I’m not a cop, I’m not a cop!” Buck promises, “I’m a firefighter with the LAFD, ok?”

He pauses to wait for a response from the man, but when he doesn’t get one he slowly lowers his hands and tugs on his jacket so the firehouse logo is clearly visible. When the man sees it he nods almost imperceptibly. 

“How about we try and figure this out together?” Buck asks, keeping has hands up so he doesn’t startle him any more. 

A noise from behind the counter causes the gunman to spin back towards it, glancing around frantically to see where the noise came from while pointing his gun at the barista. And fuck, she barely looks old enough to be out of high school. 

Painstakingly slowly, Buck begins to move around, taking just one tiny step at a time. The room is ominously quiet, and Buck is half convinced the hostages can probably hear his heart pounding in his chest as he moves to stand in front of the young barista and in the guns direct line. 

The man grimaces. 

“Let’s talk, ok?” Buck says. “You haven’t hurt anyone bud, it’s not too late to walk away from this,” he tries to reason. 

He knows it’s useless. The look in the gunman’s eyes is maniacal, and Buck wouldn’t be surprised if he’s high, if his pin-prick pupils are anything to go by. So he knows there’s going to be no reasoning with him, but he wants to buy some time at least. 

He laughs bitterly, “Don’t fucking lie to me.”

Buck had switched his radio on before walking inside, so Bobby could relay anything important that the gunman might say to the police when they arrive. Except Buck is starting to think it’s not such a good idea now, because it’s feeling more and more likely that his team are going to have to hear this guy shoot him. 

“Hey, I’m not lying, ok?” Buck says, trying to placate him. “This doesn’t have to be so bad if you just put the gun down, buddy. It’s not gonna get you anywhere that’s worth going.”

Buck has trained for this. Well, kind of. He’s trained in talking people down off the ledge, out of harming _themselves_ , but he’s no fucking clue how to stop this guy from harming other people. 

So Buck does what he does best. 

He talks. 

He rattles off dumb cliches and attempts at motivational speeches, changing tactics based on the gunman’s expressions. He talks and he talks, about Maddie, about the 118. He asks the guy about his family and friends, though he doesn’t get an answer. He keeps going. 

And going.

And going. 

Until Athena is suddenly on the scene, disarming the gunman before the bell above the door even has time to ring. 

An audible sigh of sheer relief washes through the whole room when the cuffs are fastened around his wrists and he’s dragged out by Athena and another cop, without a single shot fired.

Buck’s legs shake beneath him as he walks towards the door, nodding and smiling at all the people coming up to thank him, barely registering a single word that any of them are saying. 

He needs to get _out_. 

The air feels cool on Buck’s clammy skin, and he leans over with his hands on his knees, panting even though he’d barely moved the entire time he was inside. 

The amount of life threatening situations Buck finds himself in should probably be concerning, but he doesn’t have time to worry about that when his team are storming towards him with looks of absolute fury on their faces. 

Bobby opens his mouth but he doesn’t even manage to get anything out before Eddie is right up in Buck’s face, chest to chest with his hand gripping at the neck of Buck’s t-shirt.

“What the _fuck_ Evan? Seriously, what the actual _fuck_ were you thinking?” Eddie yells, and there’s so much unbridled rage in his tone that Buck actually flinches. 

Before he has a chance to reply, Chim and Bobby are pulling Eddie off Buck, and holding him between them so he can’t either go for Buck again or storm off. 

“I, I’m, sorry,” Buck says breathlessly. 

“Buck, you could have got yourself killed,” Bobby reprimands him. “You have to know how stupid that was?”

And Bobby is looking at him like he desperately needs Buck to say _yes, I understand_ , but that isn’t what he says. 

“Better me than any of them, or any of you,” Buck explains, shrugging his shoulders. 

Bobby and Chimney just look crestfallen, but Eddie looks absolutely seething. 

“Don’t you fucking speak me,” he almost growls, his voice low and threatening. 

Then he stalks off, heading straight to the fire truck with his hands clenched into fists by his sides. 

Buck’s heart drops. 

The ride back to the firehouse is somber, and agonisingly tense. No one says a word. And when they finally arrive back, Bobby only needs to glance at Buck for him to know that Bobby wants to see him in his office. 

His chest tightens as he climbs the stairs. His hands are shaking with leftover fear and adrenaline, but the bulk of his fear comes from the worry that Bobby is going to fire him. Buck disobeyed a direct order, and as much as Buck sees him like a father figure, Bobby only sees Buck as a member of his team, someone he needs to be able to count on to follow orders. 

And Bobby has already tried to get rid of Buck once before. 

So he feels sick when he sits in the chair in front of Bobby’s desk, like a kid who’s about to get yelled at by his teacher. 

Except Bobby doesn’t yell. 

He’s almost in tears as he talks to Buck, as he tells him how reckless, how _stupid_ he was for risking his own life like that. 

“Buck, you’re like a son to me,” Bobby says. 

Buck can hardly breathe. 

“Don’t ever disobey an order again, ok? I tell you what to do to keep you safe. I love you, and I refuse to watch you get yourself killed.”

Buck is rendered almost speechless, which is nearly impossible for him. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, genuinely. “And Bobby? I love you, too.”

Bobby smiles as he wipes the unshed tears from his eyes. 

“I know, kid.”

***

It takes half an hour for Maddie to yell at Buck, and then another forty five minutes for Buck to convince Maddie that she doesn’t need to come over to take care of him. 

( _”I’m fine Maddie, they’re overreacting.”_

 _“No we are_ not, _“ Chim chimes in._ )

He’s just hanging up the phone when there’s a thumping knock on the door to his apartment. 

He’s not really in the mood to talk to anyone right now. Usually a near-death experience and possibly the end of the only good relationship you’ve ever had will do that to a person. But if it’s the old lady next door then Buck would feel too guilty for ignoring her, so with a groan he stands up and shuffles over to the door. 

What he doesn’t expect to see is Eddie standing there with a face like thunder. He’d ignored all of Buck’s texts and calls since they’d left the station, so Buck figured the best thing to do was just leave him alone. He didn’t want to be even more of a bother than he’d already been today. 

“Uh, hi?” Buck greets him. 

Eddie’s facial expression doesn’t change, but he does barge into the apartment with so much force that Buck has to step to the side so he doesn’t get knocked into the wall. 

It’s kind of embarrassing that Buck feels a sense of calm wash over him just at the sight of Eddie, at having him inside his apartment, even if he’s angry with him. 

He closes the door and follows Eddie into the kitchen, where he’s already helped himself to a beer from the fridge. Buck goes to open it and grab one for himself, then they stand quietly for a few minutes, sipping on their beer and waiting for the silence to be broken. 

“I just wanna know why the _fuck_ you thought pulling a stunt like that was okay?” Eddie asks, and he’s still angry, but he seems less so now. 

Buck lets some of the tension ease its way out of his shoulders, and takes another sip of beer before he opens his mouth to answer. 

“Eddie, I just-“

“No, actually, don’t tell me. Because there’s absolutely _nothing_ you can say that would justify what you did.” 

Eddie’s hands are shaking as he lifts the bottle up to his mouth to take a drink, and he pauses for long enough that Buck considers trying to respond, but then Eddie continues. 

“How could you do that?” He slams his bottle onto the counter and throws his hands up in the air. 

Buck pretends not to flinch. 

“How could you put yourself in that position? I had to stand by and watch him point a gun at your _head,_ Buck. I could have lost you.” His voice cracks.

Buck feels tears welling in the corners of his eyes, and there’s nothing he wants more than to fold himself into Eddie’s arms and just let himself be held. 

Everyone has been acting like Buck doesn’t care, like he put himself in front of a gun without any awareness of the potential consequences of his actions, but the truth was the exact opposite of that. Of _course_ he was afraid, his hands are still shaking hours later, and every time he closes his eyes he’s staring down the barrel of the gun again. 

But Buck would rather face the consequences himself, than let anyone else face them. 

“And what about Christopher?” Eddie asks, and it’s like a punch to the gut. “How would I have told my son that his best friend got killed?”

And suddenly the tears are spilling down Buck’s cheeks and he can hear his fathers voice calling him _weak weak weakweakweak_ , but Eddie is looking at him like his heart is breaking. He’s furious with Buck, but only because he loves him. Eddie _loves him_ , and that reminder forces Buck to take a breath, and a second to put together what he wants to say. 

“I love Christopher so much, I love you _all_ so much. So someone needed to stop him,” Buck begins. 

“That’s what the police are for!”

“They weren’t there!” Buck snaps. “They weren’t fucking _there,_ Eddie. But I was, and there was a shop full of innocent people who just wanted to go back home to their families.”

“And what about you? What if you hadn’t come back to your family?” Eddie yells. 

“Better me than anyone else,” Buck admits, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Eddie’s face twists, like he can’t decided whether he wants to scream at Buck or just break down and cry. And Buck doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to fix this and make things better. 

“You drive me fucking crazy,” Eddie tells him, sounding so defeated. 

It’s like a siren starts blaring inside Buck’s head and the panic begins to set in. Because this feels like the end, it feels like Eddie is going to walk away from him, and he’ll lose him, he’ll lose Christopher, and he can’t. He just can’t. 

“I know. I know, and I’m sorry, ok? I’ll try. I’ll be better,” Buck promises, a frantic edge to his voice. 

Eddie frowns. “Be better at what? What do you mean?”

“Everything. Whatever you need me to do, however you want me to change, just tell me and I’ll do it,” Buck says.

It sounds a lot like begging, but he doesn’t care. He’s desperate not to lose Eddie and Christopher, _his family_ , and he doesn’t care if it shows, doesn’t care if it’s weak. He pushes his fathers voice down because it doesn’t matter right now, not when he could lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him. 

Buck watches Eddie. He watches as all the anger just seeps out of him so quickly it looks like he’s deflating, and he looks so heartbroken that Buck doesn’t know what to do so he just keeps going. 

“I try not be like this, so annoying and stupid and reckless, I try but it’s just easier like this, so sometimes I do stupid things without thinking, and I’m sorry. I’ll try harder, I promise,” and Buck knows none of what he’s saying is really relevant but it’s like the floodgates have opened and he doesn’t know how to hold it back any longer. 

“What do you mean, easier?” Eddie asks, and his voice is slow now, and gentle, like he’s talking to a frightened animal. 

“Things are just quieter when I’m like this,” Buck confesses. “When I’m too busy to think, I can forget for a while that none of you need me, so sometimes I _don’t_ think and I do dumb things.” 

It’s like a weight lifting off his chest, finally telling someone. But it’s scary too, being so open and vulnerable, so he watches closely for Eddie’s reaction. 

“Buck, are you joking?” Eddie asks, sounding so broken Buck’s heart feels like it cracks straight down the middle. 

“Baby,” Eddie continues, “I need you so much that Bobby had to hold me back from following you in there today. I think I’d have died if I lost you.”

The tears start to sting his eyes again as Buck shakes his head. 

“No, you can’t say that Ed, Christopher, he needs-“

“He needs _us_ Buck, _both of us_. And I need _you_ ,” Eddie tells him.

He reaches out, and finally, _finally,_ his hand rests on Buck’s shoulder. Eddie’s thumb is pressing into his throat and the pressure grounds him, stills his racing thoughts enough for him to process them.

“Eddie,” he whispers, like a prayer. 

“Buck, I need you,” he repeats. “And you are _not_ annoying. You’re a little crazy, sure, but I fell in love with you anyway.” 

The smile Eddie gives him feels a prize, like he’s just won first place in something. 

“The only thing I would _ever_ change about you is how reckless you are with your own life. You’re irreplaceable Evan,” Eddie whispers, his hand moving up to cup Buck’s cheek. 

A tear slides down his face and Eddie swipes it away gently with his thumb. 

“I need you start valuing your life, because I value it more than you could ever know. I’m in love with you, and I promise I’m gonna tell you so much that you never think I don’t need you again,” Eddie promises. 

Buck is crying now, but it doesn’t stop Eddie from leaning forward and pressing a kiss to is forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose, his lips.

Eddie kisses Buck over and over again. He leads him upstairs and pushes him down onto the mattress, peels of Buck’s t-shirt and kisses every inch of his stomach, chest, shoulders, whispering _I love you_ and _I need you_ and _you’re everything_ between each kiss. 

Buck’s heart feels everything all at once. His love for Eddie is spilling out of him as he curls into his arms, crying tears of sadness, relief, joy, love. 

And Eddie has always been a man of his word, so he keeps good on his promise. He tells Buck how much he adores him every single day, he makes Buck go home with him to Christopher even when he’s trying to pull away from them, he lets Buck be as loud or as quiet as he needs. 

And the thoughts don’t go away completely, because love isn’t a cure, it can’t fix the years of hurt and loneliness Buck had to go through. 

But sometimes Buck gets to curl up in the easy silence that Eddie makes for him, and it’s peaceful. 

And he’s happy.


End file.
